OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Randomize
