i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
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