Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
