After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
