half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
