You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
