kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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