I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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