Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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