please come you make the beer taste better
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
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