She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
