Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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