im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
