Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I think im going to throw up on grandma
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
