Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
