You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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