At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Randomize
