I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
