Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
