things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
