I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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