From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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