if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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