just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize