Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
