he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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