i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
