i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
