tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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