I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Randomize
