Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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