woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
