Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Randomize
