i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
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