your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Randomize
