she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Randomize
