He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Randomize
