If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
