Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
