Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
