dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize