We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
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