why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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