...so i touched it.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
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