Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
