dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Randomize
