its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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