he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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