My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
My vagina is officially offended.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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