i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
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