Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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