I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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