I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Randomize
