see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
