Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
