do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
