SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
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