She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
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