Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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