I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Randomize
