I checked into jail on foursquare
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Let's get the cat blown out
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
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