I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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