just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Randomize