My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
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