I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
