last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Randomize
