I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
