i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I won't apologize to a one balled man
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Randomize
