I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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